Point #6 of 11: Pay Attention
This is the 6th of an 11 point series: Returning to Your Present Self Again and Again
There are so many times during the illness of a family member or any stressful situation that our own distress makes it hard to pay attention to the needs of others. I saw numerous wonderful examples of those in our family doing just that, however. Michael and Rachel had just come from an OB-GYN appointment brimming with the joy of their new pregnancy. Yet this was not a “happy MRI day” for Claire, and Michael went straight to Ros and gave her the big-brother-hug she needed in that moment. He paused his joy to pay attention to her needs. His joy would be celebrated in another time and place.
At times I feel painfully aware of how much we, including myself, want our needs to be the most important to everyone, and not just for a little while. When my sister’s son was sick and eventually passed away, she commented on how others reacted to her trauma. “Some people really show up for you in moments of crisis, and then they go back to their lives - as they need to.” I was so impressed by her understanding of human nature and how she seemed to accept it.
Though we may want others to put us first, it is also good to do what you can to understand what they are going through and be supportive. Yet it is crucial to learn how to take care of yourself while being supportive of others, and to accept them doing the same for themselves. Everyone in the end is the only person who will keep their own life on track, and to expect yourself or anyone else to drop that necessary focus for very long with only create disruption and resentment in the relationship.
Cut off those who don’t always put your needs first and you will eventually be alone. Fail to take care of yourself while being supportive and you may also be alone if you finally shut down physically or mentally. “Self-Care” said the license plate in front of me as I one day drove to a medical appointment that may not have been necessary if I’d been taking care of myself adequately in the first place.
Libby Gell is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Stay Present: A Child, A Diagnosis, A Family’s Way Forward. She shares her extended family’s journey and offers insights and suggestions on creating joy while handling family crises, medical and otherwise.
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